You know that couple who used to argue about everything? The ones whose dinner party debates could clear a room? They’ve been suspiciously calm lately. No bickering about whose turn it is to take out the trash, no passive-aggressive comments about loading the dishwasher wrong. They seem perfectly civil, maybe even pleasant.
That might actually be the beginning of the end.Therapists are seeing a trend they’re calling “quiet quitting” in marriage, and it’s exactly what it sounds like. One partner, and often both, stops fighting for the relationship without actually leaving it. They’re physically present but emotionally checked out, doing the bare minimum to maintain appearances while privately planning their exit.
Women initiate about 70% of divorces, and men report being blindsided by the separation. That’s because in many cases, women quit the marriage years before they file the paperwork.
The Freeze Response Looks Like Peace
Marriage therapist Christine Scott-Hudson describes quiet quitting as a biological freeze response. When someone feels trapped in a hopeless situation, their nervous system shuts down. They stop communicating, stop engaging, stop trying to fix things. But unlike fighting, which is loud and obvious, freezing looks calm from the outside.
Your spouse might mistake this for finally accepting things as they are. Actually, they’ve just stopped caring enough to argue.
Psychologist John Gottman identified stonewalling as one of the biggest predictors of divorce. It’s when one partner emotionally shuts down and disengages completely. Marriage therapist Kara Kays told Newsweek that quiet quitting in marriage is “an extension of other societal trends that favor passive action over open communication, such as ghosting in dating and quiet quitting in workplaces.”
We’ve normalized disappearing instead of dealing with discomfort. Now we’re applying that same avoidance to marriages.
What It Actually Looks Like
Quiet quitting involves several telltale behaviors: scaling back activities with your spouse, avoiding meaningful conversations about the future, making excuses to skip intimacy, and fantasizing about being single again without actually taking steps to leave.
The couple still functions as roommates and co-parents. They manage finances, attend family events, maintain the household. To outsiders, everything looks fine. But inside, they’ve stopped fighting because they’ve stopped caring. The relationship becomes a room you still sleep in but haven’t really lived in for years.
Psychology Today notes that quietly quitting partners often shift their perspective from “love match” to business arrangement. They’re going through the motions of a contract that’s hard to break, while privately imagining what life would look like without their partner.
The Walk-Away Wife Syndrome
Marriage therapist Michele Weiner-Davis coined the term “Walk-Away Wife” to describe women who, after years of feeling unheard and unappreciated, finally decide to leave. The husbands are often shocked because they didn’t recognize the years of disengagement that preceded the divorce announcement.
A 2024 Pew Research study found that even in “egalitarian marriages” where both partners earn similar incomes, women spend more than double the time on housework. Add childcare responsibilities on top of equal working hours, and the frustration compounds.
When women finally file for divorce, it’s typically after extensive financial and emotional planning. Therapist Laurel Wiers notes that women often start sharing their unhappiness while raising kids and either not working or making less money than their spouse. By the time they’re financially independent enough to leave, they’ve been quietly preparing for years.
When Counseling Comes Too Late
Marriage therapist Jennifer Lytle says that when couples finally seek counseling, it’s often too late for any real change. One partner has already emotionally left the relationship and is just waiting for the right moment to make it official.
That’s the thing about quiet quitting: it’s not a strategy to save the marriage. It’s a holding pattern before divorce. The quietly quitting partner isn’t looking for solutions. They’re conserving energy, avoiding conflict, and preparing their exit while maintaining the status quo long enough to get their ducks in a row.
The silence isn’t peace. It’s resignation. And by the time one partner realizes something is seriously wrong, the other has often been gone for years.
